27 March 2020

I don’t know what I am doing, but I am very busy these days. I hope that at the end of 3 weeks I have something to show for all this busyness!

I am very relieved that grocery stores are going to open in Goa. While in other states and cities, they were open right through, ours were closed from 22^nd to 26^th March - 5 days - with no warning. Things were getting a bit desperate. 

I went to check on my cleaning lady, T. She had rice, onions and potatoes but no dhal or salt and importantly no money to buy anything even if the shops opened!  They had had no warning about this 3-week shut down and so she had not stocked up. Both she and her husband get paid on a monthly basis. With the curfew being imposed on 22^nd, they hadn’t been paid yet and had run out of cash.

Probably like in some other places, if you are a poor migrant family in Goa, you are at the receiving end of everyone’s anger. It doesn’t matter that these families are actually holding up the economy. It doesn’t matter that there are many rich migrants. It doesn’t matter that Goans are migrants elsewhere. It doesn’t matter that the person who curses the loudest probably has a family member staying somewhere abroad and sending back money.

T lives in cramped quarters with 8 other migrant families. She told me that they are terrified of stepping out since the cops have been using their lathis liberally on them, the outsiders. While food is not available, alcohol is being surreptitiously supplied. She laughed as she said this and her four-year old daughter piped in saying she wouldn’t allow her father to drink. I wish her luck!

I know there are many other such migrant families in the villages around - I wish I could find a way to help them through this. When I drove out to T, 3 km away, I could see some of them walking along the edge of the road, probably looking for provisions. A neighbour, who runs a grocery store, told me that many of them are coming to ask her if she has anything. Her stocks have run out. In her wisdom, she sold limited quantities to everyone, not allowing them to hoard. 

As I heard the PM’s speech, I called another neighbour who runs a shop if he had tetrapaks of milks. He did. I put the PM’s speech on pause and went out to pick up what I could. He had 7 half litre packs. It suddenly struck me that I was hoarding them! So I took 4 and told him to keep 3 for anyone with children. (No, I am not a saint.) He assured me that he had a whole case left with 12 packs, only for families with children. Lovely, no?

Yesterday evening I went for a walk on the inside roads. I know I am not supposed to go out - but I really need some exercise. I saw some families who were also sitting out, kids playing badminton on the empty road. It has become hot and humid - so not at all pleasant to go for a walk even at 7 pm. However, I need to keep it up if I am not to grow stiff and old in the remaining 18 days. 

On Wednesday I finally found the frog that lives in my bedroom. It was asleep and so easy to nudge into a bucket. I took it to the end of the street and left it out. Usually I just throw it out in the garden. Then it comes back in a couple of days. Apparently tree frogs are territorial. Somehow it hides the whole day and jumps about the whole night when I am too tired to chase it. We have been playing this game since the monsoons ended last October. Now I am tired. I need to sleep well at night. 

I thought briefly about kissing him and letting the prince inside emerge. But no. I don’t think I can be cooped up with someone for so many days - whether handsome or not, whether prince or not. 

26th March 2020

Yesterday I wasn’t able to write. After waking up late, I simply forgot about the writing. I did remember much later in the day, but didn’t get around to it. The 24^th was quite stressful. There was to be this big announcement from the PM in the evening and I wasn’t sure what it would be. The markets rose a bit during the day adding to the apprehension. I heard that one could get groceries and petrol in the morning between 6 and 11 am. I had already missed the window and decided to go on Wednesday. Thanks to the 21-day curfew, now I don’t know when I will be able to go.

After the announcement on 24^th night, I slept late and then slept really well. Somehow it ended a lot of speculation in my head. And I woke up feeling quite tired. I decided to take the day off - which means doing work, only NOT on the computer. So I cleaned out stuff from the fridge - was very embarrassed at how much had gotten spoilt, washed and washed dishes, cooked something, napped, lay down, meditated. The day went by really fast. Somehow when I am hanging around doing so little, I feel very hungry. 

The big find of the day was a small tetrapak of tomato puree in my larder, since I am running out of tomatoes, and some frozen peas and veggies in my freezer. 

Overall I feel a twitchiness that I cannot quite comprehend or control. I have an app on my phone called “Insight Timer” that has put out a new series of meditations and I am trying them one by one. I am reminding myself to take deep breaths at random intervals. 

(And I remember this joke from Richard Gordon’s Doctor series every time - Doctor checking teenager’s chest with stethoscope, “Big breaths” said with a smile. Teenage girl responds proudly, “Yeth and I am only thitheen”)

I allow myself an hour of TV each day - BBC, Puthiya Thalaimurai, NDTV, India Today TV. I should add Al Jazeera to the list - right now I have no idea at all about what is happening in Africa, West Asia and South America.

I rage about what this is doing to the powerless. Guterres, the UN chief, points out that if the rich do not help the poor in these times, the virus could mutate and come back in a worse form. Everything is global and this temporary locking down of artificial borders is not going to help in the long-term. I hope those who need to heed this advice do so. As of now, what is clearly visible is that people have lost trust in their leaders - which is why there is so much chaos. If I can’t believe what my government tells me, then I am more inclined to try and look after myself rather than wait patiently for help to reach me. As a newspaper article put it, this is a complete failure of governance in so many countries.

The images of migrants walking home with their families is chilling. Just how unfair is this world? And my helplessness in this situation makes me want to switch off from the world around me. However, that is no solution. Clearly, I have to think harder to find out how to help. 

Maybe because of my father, but I have a lot of respect for the bureaucracy. They are definitely amongst the most intelligent people in India (okay, one kind of intelligence). I am surprised that none of them analysed the situation in early February and starting working on what needs to be done. Something as simple as stamping people with indelible ink would have been in place by end February if our governance system was working well, I would think! India had so much time to get its act together - if only we had true leaders instead of mere vote gatherers. 

Even in these troubled times, I can see various state governments, across the political spectrum, doing so much better than the central government. The centre seems to be hesitating just at the thought of the enormity of the task. Let go - allow those who are better placed to make some decisions, to do so. That is the strength of such a diverse country. Capitalise on our strengths, build on our capacities - lessons from every disaster situation I have worked in. Instead we seem bent on doing the opposite - allowing our weaknesses, our vulnerabilities to engulf us and paralyse us. 

Since the NDMA has declared this a disaster, treat it as such. Our biggest strength is that we have all our systems working. Unlike after an earthquake or a flood, we still have water, electricity, communication and roads. What is important is that we don’t give people an excuse to leave their homes or areas. Use online systems, mobile phones, radio and doordarshan to reach out to the majority of the people. Then we can plan on reaching those who are excluded from this vast network. Instead we are receiving a plethora of fake news and driven into further frenzy. 

If only we had a true leader to take charge of the situation!

24th March 2020

Yesterday was a really long day. I started by needing to go out and buy medicines - I hadn’t noticed that I was running low till Saturday. I was a bit scared to go out since my neighbour told me that the cops were out near the police station beating passersby with a lathi. I asked my pharmacist and he told me not to worry - he was open the whole day and buying medicines was a legitimate reason to be out. I also keep forgetting that now that I have stopped colouring my hair, I look like a harmless old woman - not a likely rebel out for kicks. Appearances are definitely misleading! I took all the inner roads - I have never been beaten with a lathi and I think I can live my life without that experience. 

I broke all the rules about seclusion yesterday. When I was at the pharmacist, I got a message from a friend asking if I had enough food stocked up. As her house was on the way back, I dropped in for ten minutes, sat about 6 feet from her and chatted for a bit. Then I stopped at another friend’s place. She had added on a couple of scamsters as her Facebook friends and they had sent me a friend request. I had called her on the phone to explain why she should unfriend them, but I realised that this needs to be done in person. Of course, she is smart enough not to get scammed by them, but there were others who had agreed to the friend request merely because it came from her friend. I told her the story of another friend who had almost been cheated of a fair amount of money a couple of years back by a similar scamster. After a refreshing glass of kokum juice, I went home. 

Afternoon siesta happened in bits and pieces. I guess this is anxiety. I couldn’t sleep even though it was hot outside and I had the AC on. In the evening I went for a walk - met another friend who has a broken shoulder. Again I sat far away from her, checked in that she was fine and went home. 

I had promised to visit a couple of friends who look after many abandoned animals and also run a catering business. I needed to return their dabbas and also talk to them about how to raise funds to stock up on cat food. At least, that is how I justified the trip. It takes me ten minutes to drive the 5 km to their house. For half the distance, everything was shut. Then in Ecoxim, all the grocery shops are open, the temple is open and life is normal. It was a relief to see the bustle while of course, the rational side of me wondered at their foolhardiness.

After dinner I got home and I absolutely could not sleep. Was it the coffee that I had had in the evening or was it anxiety? I listened to new meditations on Insight Timer. Very calming and helpful - basically reminding me to breathe. I realised then that I had been taking very shallow breaths for much of the day. And I was very stupid to go visit so many people, however good my reasons were. No more of this. Evening walks yes - but it is enough to smile at people from a distance. No need to go to their houses. 

As I lay there, trying to breathe deeply, I could hear the sound of some animal walking on the tin roof of the shed next to my room. A cat? A civet cat? Monitor lizard? Or just maybe the leopard that is supposed to live nearby? With all this quiet, maybe they were beginning to come out? From there it is but a step to going through all possible apocalypse scenarios - one of the perils of reading AND having a vivid imagination! 

Thankfully I seem to have fallen asleep during those ruminations and woke up to a sound I couldn’t quite place. The sound of the fan is so loud and this noise is just behind it. Was it thunder? Or planes taking off? Fighter jets bombarding us and wiping us out before the virus does… And I slept on. 

A cloudy sky when I woke up - so it was probably thunder. Or my imagination. Breathe. Deeply.

Journal - 23 March 2020

This is as good a time as any to restart my daily writing. We are in the middle of a global corona virus pandemic. Officially the virus has been named COVID-19. Yesterday we had a janata curfew in India - apparently it is not a curfew order, but a voluntary one. Of course, the streets all over the country are absolutely empty because everyone is scared - of the virus, of the government. I don’t know which fear is more. My neighbour was scared to go for a walk in the lane in front of her house yesterday evening! The curfew was absolute. Usually there are some vehicles going past my house during the day. Yesterday there were probably 3 motorbikes that went past. The silence is delicious. And also eerie at the same time, because I know it is not “normal”. 

A few days back I did panic. I wondered if I had enough money to last this out. I wondered if I would fall ill. I wondered if anyone in my family would fall ill. I wondered if I would ever see my family again. And when I say “family”, I include many close friends as well. 

Quite miraculously, rather than indulging in my panic, after a few minutes, I was able to be rational about this. Yes, I had enough liquid funds to last me a couple of years, easily. Yes, maybe I would fall ill, but I know how to look after myself - that has been repeatedly proved. Yes, my family may fall ill - however, my panic does not help to build their immunity. And most definitely yes, I would see my family again - sometime this year itself probably. I have gone long periods without seeing them, so why should this be any different?

Meanwhile there is work to be completed, interesting courses online that I have signed up for and never finished and time enough for the decluttering that I had started in December. I still have too much junk - I need to reduce, reduce, reduce. All this will take me through the next four months. After all, it seems like just yesterday that it was December 2019 and I was full of angst! And already it is March 2020 and I can appreciate the sunshine outside. Time definitely passes and with it, my state of mind changes as well. So whatever I feel today is not forever. If I can hold on to that thought then I will do okay.

Thankfully I have enough books to read, enough ways to communicate with others, enough entertainment available. There will be difficult days when none of this will help. I will need to face that then; no point worrying about it now, right?

Let me see if I can get a daily routine going - bathing, working, some exercise, some entertainment, some meditation. And writing! For too long have I swayed to the tunes of others and not acknowledging it even to myself! Let me now live by my opinions and feelings now that I have gotten rid of most of the negative influences in my life.

On Facebook, I read a post about how Anne Frank was in hiding for 716 days. I recently read her diary - it is truly amazing. However, there is no comparison in the situations. She faced death if she went out. And a horrible death at that; not just for herself, but for her family as well. If I go out and pick up the virus and spread it, I will probably survive. However, I am sure I will be responsible for someone else’s illness and death. Why take the chance? No, this is nothing at all like what Anne Frank went through. And I have so much going for me even in these troubled times. I am grateful, extremely grateful for my privilege. And I hope to be able to focus on that in the coming weeks. What my writing will do is to allow me to vent when I am overcome by anxiety. Maybe someday in the future I can read this again and be proud of how strong I was. Or not!