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Thank you!

20 April 2020

Let me start by saying that I am absolutely fine - hunky dory! A big thank you to those who wanted to know why I had stopped writing this journal. Yes, it has been a week now that I have not written. I was just feeling too negative to write - I didn’t see the point in sharing my anger and sadness with everyone. I watch the TV news for an hour, read a couple of newspapers online and go through Facebook for about half an hour each day. Each medium reiterated the fact that leadership and governance are the need of the day and these are missing in large swathes of the world. The posturing by the leaders of the largest and most powerful countries - China, India and the USA make me alternate between fury and helplessness. And so I decided to just keep quiet for a bit.

Yesterday’s scrabble game has brought back some equanimity. Arguing over whether a word exists or not seems the only thing within my control just now - I can look up a dictionary and find out. The excellent food, of course helps. As does the company. (And the vodka.) Yes, I do want to help, but if I am currently not in a position to, then I just need to bide my time. Six months later, I will still be needed, probably more so, when the current group of “relief” workers are exhausted. 

Today Goa has announced that it is the first state to be COVID-19 free. Last week a health survey was conducted across the state, covering 30% of the families. About 30,000 cases of people with respiratory infections were identified. Now, they are going to probe the travel history of each of these people and see if they themselves have travelled or been in touch with anyone who has travelled. Only those people will be tested for COVID-19. However, before any of that, we have declared that we are COVID-19 free and opening up businesses. Goa has been in lockdown now for four weeks. How about waiting a bit before declaring that everything is okay? A process has been started to look for more cases. How about completing that process? Now do you understand why I am railing against the leadership?

So this person came to conduct the health survey. He had an app on his phone to enter the data into, with a set of standard questions. 

Opening Q - what is your mister’s name? 

I don’t have a mister. 

Oh ok. Who is the head of your family? 

Me. 

No, who else is there at home. 

I live alone. Therefore I am the head of my family. 

Then he want on to ask about my health and my travel history. Finally he asked me when I had bought the house from Peter. When I said that I had taken it on rent. He immediately came a bit closer and told me that he had a house to rent as well. Did I know anyone who would want it? And he started showing me photos of the house. Then he insisted that I write down his phone number, told me all about previous tenants, how lovely they were and showed me their pictures before leaving! Really, everyone in Goa is a broker!

Our regular yoga classes have also started. There is an excellent teacher in the neighbouring village who is willing to come home and teach and that too in the evening - not at the crack of dawn! My kind of yoga teacher! I have two friends join in and we do two hours of asanas, shavasana, pranayama, breath awareness, some laughter as the teacher tries to assure me that in six months my belly will be so flat that I will be able to roll out chapatis on them! Finally I had to tell him the truth - I don’t know how to roll out chapatis. And my paunch is a family inheritance. My father used to often say that he may not leave me anything else, but he would definitely leave me a paunch. How can I give up this precious inheritance? Overall the classes are calming, strenuous and fun. I am glad to have started them again. 

It has become very hot and sultry in Goa now. This is the season for snakes. They try to come in out of the heat. My neighbour found 5 bronzeback tree snakes around her AC unit outside. The family spent two days chasing all of them away. I was being very careful and jumping at every sound. Sure enough one small fellow tries to come into the house. He hid behind the front door, leaving his generous tail outside for me to spot. I uttered the universal mantra of “shoo” and he knew he had been spotted. He turned around and went hop, skip and jump across the small verandah. Then he stood on there at the edge, looked at me and stuck his tongue out at me! I charged at him and he truly fled. Why do I refer to him in the masculine? No female would be so dumb!

I have had these these before inside the house. The snake catchers explained that they are non-poisonous, but do bite. So don’t be scared. Ya, right!

Nature and its revival - I am not so sure. The peahens are out in full force around and on my house. For real - not fake images. And this morning, a couple of tiles on the edge broke. I woke up cursing at the noise and ran out to see what was happening. My neighbour joined in to say that they were dancing on her roof the previous day. We both agreed that they look lovely only at a distance. She wondered what a xacuti of this bird would taste like. I sternly warned her that it was our national bird and we both laughed! It is true that they are out on the road a lot more because there is less traffic - even on this inner road. 

Meanwhile my fridge has been attacked by fire ants. It is a double door fridge - the ants are collecting between the two doors for the coolth. I haven’t actually been bitten by a fire ant. One got on my arm and there was something like a mild electric shock that it was giving me. When I tried to shake it off, it clung to my arm and that hurt a bit. But the skin didn’t break. 

So as you can see, life is as it was and I am back to writing!

13 April 2020

Yesterday the three of us from last week met again for a swim, a game of scrabble and dinner. There were no cops on the way luckily. However, the guilt factor has multiplied several times over. So this morning when I woke up and sneezed several times, I was convinced that this was it! Luckily it turned out to be something in the air that had tickled my nostrils. 

As of today, one person in 1.3 lakh people has tested positive. Why take the chance that you might bump into that person? A friend asked me why I want to play Russian roulette with corona.

During the evening, we discussed why the numbers were so low. Was it because we were not testing enough? Wouldn’t there be a lot more deaths to indicate hotspots even if there was no testing done? Maybe it is true that we are immune because we live in such poor conditions anyway! Or is it is the BCG vaccine, as is the popular theory, that is protecting us? And finally the heat - no one can survive it, least of all a virus! All theories, all speculation - no evidence yet to show any of it as either true or false. That is the beauty of these times - everything is uncertain. And it has been sometime since the privileged in society have handled uncertainty.

I certainly belong to the privileged classes and yet, uncertainty is an old friend. As far back as I can remember, plans I make just do not become reality. When things occasionally work according to plan, I am very pleased and enjoy it while it lasts. Ask me if I am free tomorrow evening and I will hem and haw. With good reason! If I say yes, something is bound to come up. If I say no, then I can anyway join in at the last minute. For most things in Goa at least! Like the introverts are announcing, “I have trained my whole life for this!”

What I miss is going out for a meal, shopping, browsing in the library - the physical one, with books, dancing at Cavala with friends… I am sure we all have our own lists. 

On Facebook, there are suddenly a lot of ads for courses that you can complete while in lockdown. And an equal number of posts from friends, asking how anyone can find the time to do that given that we are all struggling between house work and office work. It would be enough if we got through this with some amount of sanity left! 

I decided to try at least and signed back into Coursera. There are 8 courses that I have signed up for in the last couple of years and not gone beyond the introduction! I am going to try and finish “Sharpened Visions - a Poetry Workshop” and “The Craft of a Plot”. Let me see how far I get. 

On the meditation app, Insight Timer, I am working on ‘Healing and letting go’ - the toughest chapter that I have faced so far while working on myself. The person who is guiding these sessions is called Sarah Blondin - her voice is calm and soothing and firm - like neem honey. I find all her meditations very practical and about getting to the core of issues that I personally want to resolve. I have been using Insight Timer for about a year now - and it has helped a lot. Right now, it brings me back to even keel every time I am getting overly anxious and panicked. The PM is addressing the nation tomorrow - need to meditate a bit more now!

11 April 2020

A couple of days back when I was going for a walk, a neighbour asked me if I was flattening the curves. And I beamed back. While the weighing scale is ruthless and doesn’t budge, it is good to know that my ample curves are flattening enough for her to notice! We are all adding to our vocabulary, thanks to COVID-19.

Last evening it rained and as with summer storms, there was a lot of wind and thunder. Must have been a great psychedelic show as well, but somewhere else. I was just about to water my garden and instead could sit down and appreciate the coolth. I then remembered that I had lost my lovely pink polka dotted umbrella last year - I had to wait till the rain stopped to go on my walk. Gave me more time to sit still and be…

Surprisingly, I don’t find time nowadays to just sit - there is always something else to be done. My kitchen disasters continue. I think my cookbook will be called “Cooking for the dummiest of dummies”. For breakfast, I decided to fry an egg. How difficult can that be, right? Now that I have survived, more or less, for three weeks on my own cooking, I was beginning to see myself as a full-fledged chef. So rather than break the egg into a bowl, fish out the little bits of egg shells from it and the pour it onto the pan, I decided to break the egg directly like I had seen in all those Youtube videos on cooking. I had music playing and I was doing a little jig and I broke the egg on the edge alright - only on the edge of the stove rather than on the edge of the pan. I managed to get the yoke into the pan, but the white of the egg was all over the stove. Chef out, rookie back in place with a new mess to clean up. Ah well, some mothers do have them!

This evening I drove off to a friend’s place to pick up dosai batter. Indu makes the batter at home and the dosais come out superbly. Yes, my dosais are decent - one of the few things I can make properly. She packed some chutney and sambhar to go with it, fed me some idlis doused in sambhar and ghee and sent me away. When I got back home and tried to put everything into the ‘fridge, I found that it was full up! An absolute novelty for me! I am usually staring into my ‘fridge hoping that something would miraculously turn up; and here in these times of difficulty, I had a wide choice! I guess I have gone into overdrive on stocking up - ‘hoarding’ is the right word. When would I eat all of this? I have never been faced with this problem before. I should probably make a list of the things in the ‘fridge, when I had put them in and follow a first in first out principle. It would be absolutely criminal if any of it got wasted. Agenda for a Sunday morning!

The other thing that I realised this evening is that I am not spending much money - I mean, there is really nothing to spend on! I stocked up on groceries on Thursday and paid by credit card. I looked around for something ready made to eat - sweets, samosas - nothing anywhere. So I came home with all my cash intact. In my panic I had withdrawn the grand sum of Rs.10,000 on 19^th March, and I still have some left! Normally, that would have been long over by now. I would have had a few good meals outside, bought some stuff I didn’t need and been back at the ATM. Now, there is no chance of any of that! I can shop online, but somehow I never really got into that, luckily! There is an online store that is giving a whopping discount if you pay now and have the delivery done whenever possible - I am very tempted; I will probably give in the next time I have to bribe myself to do something boring - like sweep the house. Oh goodie! Maybe tomorrow!

9 April 2020

Sometime this week, Facebook threw up a post from the past. It goes something like this, “Everything will be alright in the end. If it is not alright, it is not the end.” This mantra seems very apt right now! (no, not to about half the earth’s people, but definitely to those reading this blog)

I am surprised I haven’t mentioned music so far in these posts. For most of the day, I have something playing from Amazon Music - I move between Pop, Rock, Tamil movie songs, Carnatic music and Dhrupad, depending on my mood. Occasionally I listen to Western Classical when I am trying to educate myself, but quickly return to familiar ground. This week I have stayed on Amazon Music Station - Classic Hits. All old favourites come up and I have been singing along - luckily, my neighbours don’t live too close. The CD player in my music system is not working - so right now my phone doubles up. I also have a radio, but I can’t seem to tune into any station other than Rainbow FM, so I have put that away. Yes, I can use my phone to listen to FM radio, but who needs the chatter of the DJ and inane ads when I have this uninterrupted flow of pure music. 

Yesterday evening I got to see the humungous almost full moon. I had seen the full moon on the 7^th, but a bit later in the evening. So it didn’t been as big as it was touted to be. I was luckier yesterday. I turned a corner and there it was, hanging low on the horizon, a bright yellow moon. For a few seconds I forgot to breathe - just like when I read some of Salil Chaturvedi’s poetry. The man on the moon smiled at me and I smiled back at him. I turned another corner and I lost him. Given the age we are in, I quickly messaged friends asking them to go out and enjoy the sight. If I had a decent camera I would have probably spent several more minutes standing out there in the middle of the road trying to get the perfect picture. Thankfully, my phone camera is normal and I could continue. 

What is very impressive about our State is that so far we have had electricity, water and access to the internet. My initial fear was that the pandemic would start wiping out whole populations including the staff who operate all these and then we, the privileged, would have been in a real mess. 

At least so far that hasn’t happened. I would like to propose a vote of thanks to them as well, in addition to all the others who work in essential services. At the best of times, Goa is not the cleanest state in India. However, now, I see the people who collect garbage door to door, out and about, with a mask in their pocket or dangling on one ear. I certainly would like to see this cleanliness drive continue. 

When my nephling first visited me, a few years back, I warned him that I didn’t have wifi at home (corrected since). There was a pause on the phone, before he asked me if I had running water! I do have a well with a pulley outside my kitchen window. I was very tempted, when he came, to make him draw up a couple of pots of water. Then I desisted - Athithi devo Bhava (guest is god) and all that! 

Also he is my elder sister’s son and the apple of her eye. I would have been royally whacked. Never mess with an older sister. It doesn’t matter how old you are.

I continue to be very busy. At the end of the day when I try to remember what I have done, all I have is this blog to show and this really doesn’t take the whole day! Ah well, better than being bored and binge watching some pointless show!

I am trying to migrate this blog to a site called Medium. Some of the current glitches should get sorted then. There will probably be new ones, which I will then learn to deal with. Each time one of you messages me about this blog, I feel very good. So keep doing it :) 

On a Break

I am taking a break today - will be back tomorrow...

8 April 2020

Overall the panic about the virus seems to have subsided. For those of us who have a house to be in, the focus has shifted, a routine has set in. I laugh a little less at the jokes that come around on WhatsApp or are posted on Facebook. My next worry has waltzed in. When will this end? What comes next? Is it true that the world as we knew it is over, in the past, done with? Or six months later will I realise that I am still on the same hamster wheel? I am divided between these two images - I do want change, especially if it means a reduction in injustice, a shifting of power, but I also want some things to remain - most definitely the rights that women have fought hard for over time!

At the personal level I can’t think of any change I want. I would love for this peace and quiet to remain. Even for this corner of the world, a new layer of quiet has descended and I am savouring it while I can. I have started going for regular walks and I really hope I continue. Long lost friends have reached out to me renewing old friendships. And the frog continues to find its way back each time I throw it out! That would be nice to change, but I guess I just have to live with it.

I smirk when I hear friends tell me that they are really waiting to go back to office. Especially my women friends. I started working from home about 12 years ago. Nobody took my seriously then. Family and friends thought I was just lounging around in my night gown and would call me at any time of the day to go for a movie or shopping or just to meet up. It is true that I was lounging around in my night gown, I still do, but I was working harder than I ever did. It is only now with all the articles and statistics around have I realised that an average day at the office has 3 productive hours while an average day of work from home has thrice that! 

In those (dark) days I would either work or sleep. I was living in my parents’ house and so I had no other ‘work’ to do. One time, I didn’t step out of the front door for 5 days in a row. That is when I decided to set fixed work hours, not respond to phone calls or email before 9 am or after 9 pm, started leaving my Blackberry outside my bedroom, etc. And I felt guilty for each of those things. I am really glad to see the number of tips available on how to work from home - we need all of it! If we do not put aside time for fun, it will not happen!

As I make my shopping list, I wish I knew how much I should buy. Will I be able to go out again next week? The week after? Next month?

6 April 2020

This is day 16 of the Lockdown in Goa as we started on 22^nd March with the Janata Curfew and did not open up after that. In the past few weeks, much before the Lockdown started, ever since I had of the first case in India on 30^th January, I have been sure at least a hundred times that I have been infected. Something gets stuck in my throat and I cough or I sneeze due to some strange smell or is that a fever? Each time I start on that train of thought, my heart begins to thud very loudly. I go over all that I have done in the last two weeks and try to list everyone I have met. So far it has only been worry and fear. 

No, I am not worried about the virus. I am quite used to looking after myself when I am unwell. When the symptoms start, I cook a lot of rice, make rasam to last 4 days, get a loaf of bread and I am set. I get a packet of milk delivered home each day - so there is always fresh coffee and curd. And I sleep out the illness. So that is exactly what I will try to do this time as well if the virus catches me. And several friends who have first hand experience of the virus, from someone in their family getting it have told me that it need not be terrible. However, what about the people I infect? That is the only thought that forces me to keep away from friends. 

So it was with some guilt that I went to meet a couple of friends on Sunday evening. The plan came up quite suddenly and we were to be 3 of us, all living alone. We felt that even if we did fall ill, we wouldn’t be passing on the virus to others. I drove slowly, still worried about the cops and their lathis. Pomburpha and Aldona were very quiet. As I moved further towards the Highway, there was more traffic, especially of two-wheelers. On the Highway, I saw a police patrol car and furiously ran through stories in my head - I am going to meet my sister after two weeks; she is ailing; she is paralysed sounds better; see this basket of food is for her; oh damn the basket also has alcohol in it. Luckily the cops were busy with their phones and didn’t even look up! 

Further ahead, there was another cop waving his lathi - but he wasn’t hitting anyone. Seemed to be doing his exercises! I slowed down so he wouldn’t think I was try to escape, avoided eye contact with him and drove on. I decided to take a different route on the way back. 

The evening was relaxed and we sat well apart as we chatted. There was a bit of a furore as a python was discovered in a neighbouring field - everyone swore it was at least 20 feet long. Poor fellow crept into a pipe and we were at peace again. 

Earlier in the day, a friend had asked me when I had last been hugged. Just being asked that brought up the longing in me for human contact. In my family, we do not hug each other. We hug friends with fervour, but not each other. Maybe that is why I love to hug and get hugged back in return. It energises me when I feel low. No way I can get a physical hug in a couple of months at least! I’ll make do with all the virtual hugs on Facebook and WhatsApp, especially in response to this blog - keep sending them my way!

Right now there are only 7 confirmed cases in Goa. I am sure that as this number rises, with test results coming in and more testing done, the lockdown will be stricter.

I am glad so many of you are reading my blog and responding to it. I understand that you are still not able to post comments. No, I don’t have any censorship in place - I have not blocked those who I think will post negative comments, believe me! There is some problem with Blogger and that may be connected to the fact that Google Plus is winding down. I just learnt this and I am trying to figure out how to set this right. I am not too tech savvy and so I will take a few days to learn how to get around this. If any of you know better, please message me directly. 

5 April 2020

I must say that I am grateful to be here in Goa rather than in a big city somewhere. Yesterday evening I went out for a walk (after 5 days) and it is so beautiful all around. Many of the houses had people sitting in their balconies who greeted me with a ‘Good evening’ as I walked past. No, I don’t know most of them. My legs started aching within 100 metres of my house. So I went very slowly, stopping to talk to those whom I know. One lady sat playing with her grandsons and told me solemnly that Goans are dying; they cannot live without their fish and alcohol! And she laughed heartily at the joke. 

Another told me about her search for Marie biscuits which is the only thing her toddler would eat!

A third asked me to come in and we sat a good two metres apart as we discussed the happenings around us. She said that this is the first time she has seen in action the phrase, ‘people continuing in spite of the government’. Extraordinary times indeed!

What was lovely about each interaction was the way they told me to ask if I needed anything. I reassured them repeatedly that as a single person, I did not need much and had more than enough. I am fortunate to be surrounded by such people - willing to help me even though they had their own large families to look after. 

Mary, next door, had given me dhal for lunch. She apologised that it was only dhal, but she thought that I might appreciate another taste. True enough! To put it mildly, cooking is not a skill I have or an art which I practise. For the last few days, I have been reading a book or watching something on YouTube to distract myself when I eat. It was a relief to eat some freshly cooked food with flavours and spices that were new to me. 

I am planning to put up recipes when this is over. The first recipe is “How to boil water”. No, don’t laugh. The trick is to turn off the stove before the water has all been converted to steam. I boil water, cool it and then drink it as I don’t have a water purifier. Earlier, I just drank straight from the tap. A neighbour saw me doing it and got quite angry with me - wasn’t I educated enough to know about water borne diseases? Especially in summer?

So now I fill up the vessel with water, put it on the stove, light the stove and then set a timer on my phone for 10 minutes later. Sometimes I get distracted and forget to set the timer. A couple of hours later I wander back into the kitchen to find an empty burnt vessel. Do you see now why it is not so simple to boil water?

I don’t take the risk with milk. I stand right there and gaze at it. Even then sometimes the milk boils over and I am left cleaning up the hot mess!

In normal times I take these things in my stride, but now, I am conscious of the rapidly depleting gas cylinder and I am not sure if I can get a refill on time. Yes, I have a spare cylinder, but but but…these are uncertain times. 

P.S. This post is dedicated to my friend Anu F. At her wedding reception, I asked her husband if he  could cook, since she couldn’t even boil water. It has come back to bite me now. 

4 April 2020

My heart leapt up this morning as I saw the readership of my blog has increased. Thank you! I am an insecure writer and hesitant to share what I read - so when I do share, I wait nervously for feedback. For a start, just the fact that you are reading what I write is enough to make me continue. 

You may have noticed, that I have skipped writing on some days. Well, I don’t write when I truly miserable - no point spreading my negativity. And I haven’t written when I have had paid work to do. That does take priority - especially once I had crossed the deadline. 

I went out yesterday after four days inside the house staring at my computer screen hoping the report I was working on would get done. Finally, on the night of the 3^rd, the stars aligned just right and I got my work done. Paid work is important in these times. One still has to pay rent. Unpaid work got ignored - like my daily writing or my household chores or exercise. 

I am, of course, lucky to have this choice. My household comprises I, me and myself. I can let my surroundings rot for as long as I can bear the smell. I hear daily of cases where families are stepping back a couple of centuries. Typically urban families in India have a heterosexual couple with both of them working outside the home and one or two children. Now I hear of and from women who are juggling unpaid house work with paid office work inside their home while their husband focuses on his office work, lounges in front of the TV or very kindly makes himself a cup of tea. Depending on their age, the children follow in the the footsteps of the parent who does less work. Naturally!

Of course house work is boring - done occasionally it can be meditative or therapeutic or calming. Having to do it every day with no choice is mind numbing and I truly dislike it. On Facebook I see posts about why men should ‘help’ their wives. Help? Really? Isn’t it their house as well? Given the statistics on property ownership, legally it is probably his house only!!! 

At an intellectual level, I know that a disaster of this scale is an opportunity to bring about change - to turn around gender norms and stereotypes. At a practical level, what I see is women who just want to get the day over with, too tired to think beyond getting everything done and going to sleep. I believe that dialogue is the first step in bringing about change. I have seen it work in reality. So how do we start this dialogue within that space we consider holy - the home? Any ideas on this are welcome. 

Watch this video to understand more - https://www.facebook.com/feminisminindia/videos/214572863157018/ 

Yesterday, I went for a drive. A neighbour had stitched a mask for me and so I put it on. I also wore a bra after 4 days, since I had to be ‘decent’, in case a cop stopped me. Between the two, I honestly couldn’t breathe. The mask came off soon enough! 

While out I saw several people riding around on their two-wheelers - youngsters, 3 to a bike, merrily whizzing past. What happened to social distancing and masks and quarantine and self isolation, in the days that I had shut out the world? 

The big news is that shops are slowly opening. They still don’t have supplies of essentials, but I came home with a loaf of sliced bread, bakery biscuits, some bananas and a tetrapak of cranberry juice - absolute treasures in these times. The mega supermarket on the highway has re-opened. There was a mega queue outside it - an awning had been put up outside to provide shade and everyone seemed orderly and suitably distanced and of course, masked.

P.S. I am glad there is good coverage about the chaos in Goa - The Indian Express: ‘Struggling to feed our workers as MLAs diverting supplies to their areas’: Goa industries body chief.

https://indianexpress.com/article/cities/goa/struggling-to-feed-our-workers-mlas-diverting-supplies-damodar-kockhar-goa-lockdown-6344527/ 

2 April 2020

I spoke to a friend who gave me some hope - maybe the virus will not hit India so badly and maybe we are just over reacting. I have since been reading up on this - yes, the virus will affect people based on various factors including our existing immunity and what our DNA is. In hindsight it seems so obvious that it will not affect the globe equally. I guess that because China and Italy, from opposite sides of the world were so badly affected, I assumed that everyone in between would too. No, I am not suggesting we open up and carry on as if everything were okay. I am suggesting that we breathe deeply and look at the facts as they emerge, calmly. India is a sub-continent - so to make the sweeping statement that it won’t affect us is also short-sighted. It will affect different parts of the country differently definitely and perhaps by race? This is pure speculation! 

What I am sure of though is that this, like all disasters before this, will affect the poor more than the rich; the Dalits more than the non-dalits; women more than men; people with disabilities more than people without. Disaster is basically about Capacities and Vulnerabilities - what this will do is to enhance the Vulnerabilities and diminish the Capacities. So if you had a high V and a low C to start with, you are only going to end up worse off. If you have a high C and a low V like many of us privileged people who are reading this blog, then you will have enough C to bounce back soon enough. Now is the time to help others - share freely of your C which you will build back. 

Not enough is said about the uplifting power of “doing good”. I have been consciously noting it - believe me it is definitely better than alcohol in giving me a high! Try it and let me know! (Careful not to help those who definitely DO NOT want your help!)

This week as I see my friends and neighbours scurrying around for groceries and vegetables, I am reminded of the scenario in Kutch after the earthquake in 2001. I went there three weeks after the event as part of a replacement team to relief workers. The first evening was spent listening to the team who were to leave the next day. What I remember best from that evening was them telling us how to procure food for ourselves! Many of them had made do with one meal during the day while doing relief work. Bhuj and the surrounding areas had been completely destroyed by the earthquake - so the situation was understandable. To be reminded of that in today’s Goa where everything is working, but the leadership, is shameful. The situation here is definitely a man-made disaster - a group of men right at the top.

I keep coming back to this - the lack of governance and leadership. Isn’t that the reason why the pandemic has been made so much worse? As I listen to arguments about why this virus will not affect India as badly, I felt quite irritated and annoyed. I am not a specialist in viruses. Why should I be? I pay my taxes so that my democratically elected government will hire virus specialists to tell me how to handle this. It is as simple as that. 

I don’t expect the leaders to know everything. Of course, they will make mistakes. I do expect them to have the humility to hire the right people, listen to sound advice, acknowledge (if not apologise) for mistakes and keep the interests of the most powerless in front of them always. I do see some leaders like this around me - the Kerala CM, the Panchayat President, Ms Madheshwari, in the village of Sittilingi in Tamil Nadu. https://mailchi.mp/19dcddea31f4/covid-19-and-sittilingi?e=1daa8a86db 

I want more such people elected. I wish I knew a way to make that happen!

31 March 2020

I did not think I would get this happy to see fresh pao and a packet of milk delivered at my doorstep! On Saturday evening, I called Ahmed, the guy who used to deliver my milk before corona. He said he could deliver only pao, not milk. I checked with a few of my friends in the neighbourhood and passed on the collective order to him. Sunday morning saw fresh pao in a bag hung on my gate. How do I describe the smell of that pao? 

Monday morning there was a packet of milk! I couldn’t thank him enough. While I do have 4 tetrapaks of milk left, the taste of coffee made with them is just not the same. Considering I have to eat food cooked by me the whole day, I could definitely do with decent coffee in the morning!

You are probably wondering why I am focussing on these tiny things when the world is in chaos - violence against women increasing, migrants within India walking miles and miles, getting hosed down with bleach solution, hunger, the complete abdication of duty by our elected leaders, etc.

There is a school of thought that suggests we focus on what we do have and be grateful for that.; to think of what millions do not have and stop cribbing. Yes, I am very very grateful for all that I have. However, (there is always a but, only now I cloak it as however!) my question has always been this: why should I not focus on those who are better off than me and feel miserable? Just a little bit? If others are worse off than me, does that mean I have no pain, no suffering at all? In relation to them of course, I don’t, but in absolute terms? Of course, the only people better off than me just now are those on some other planet - I don’t know what their life is like, so I cannot compare.

From childhood, one is used to being compared to others - look at X, how well s/he does in class? I have always itched to respond - look at Y, how much worse than me s/he is! Fairly early in life I realised that the only person to compare myself with is me! Which means that I can only give of my best and leave it at that. That does not mean I cannot feel grateful for all that I have or for how much better than others I am doing. It just means that I acknowledge what I feel to be legitimate in itself and try not to wallow in it, knowing this too will pass. 

It is in that spirit that I am maintaining this journal. To try and state what is happening around me, what I am going through, without becoming too whiney. As my father used to say, “Others may catch a cold, but mine is the worst of all.” Clearly because he experienced it the way he cannot experience what others go through, however much empathy he has at hand.

So back to my life - a neighbour asked me if I want any vegetables. I said I would love some tomatoes - 4 shiny red tomatoes landed at my door step a few minutes later. I almost teared up seeing them! I made a super curry with them later. So thrilled!

Yesterday was the day of creatures small inside my house. It started with a baby squirrel that would go upto the door and then come running back in. I left all the doors open through the day but at night it was still there. I left a bowl of water and a bit of fruit for it and gave up. 

Then a fairly large centipede went waltzing along my kitchen floor. The smooth tile slowed it down and I was able to trap it under a bucket. Unfortunately as I pushed the bucket towards the door, the centipede didn’t do too well. By the time I swept it out, it was almost dead! The centipede is one creature that terrifies me. It moves fast and can sting like crazy. My fear goes back to my days in East Timor when they used to come up through the drain in the bathroom. I used to spray insecticide liberally on them then. Now I try to sweep them out, but my hand still trembles while I do that and I have to sit down after to calm down. 

As a child, millipedes used to bring out a similar reaction in my sisters and me. What added to the fear was an elderly peon telling us that the ghosts of those who died come back in these critters. Now, I know millipedes are harmless. They still give me the heebie-jeebies, but I can bravely sweep them on to a newspaper and throw them out. 

And my dear frog is back! Who knows? One of these days, when I finally get bored, I will just kiss him. He had better beware!

29 March 2020

I make sure that I have my coffee and breakfast before writing this journal so that I feel more positive. But today, even that doesn’t help. All around me are images and messages of gloom till I am left wondering - is this really the end of the world? The kaliyugam that is talked about? The apocalypse? Maybe it is actually better if the world ends when it treats it’s fellow denizens so badly!

Worldwide, data is already coming in about an increase in domestic violence by about 30% - that is 1 in 3 women not being able to stay inside the house. So easy for the powerful and the privileged to tell everyone to stay home no? And from past experience, it is clear that this is still an under-reporting. 

Images of the migrants across India walking home are haunting my waking moments as well as my dreams. There are some 450 million workers in the informal sector in India - again, almost 1 in 3. And “stay at home” is a bizarre concept for them. I am sure I don’t have to explain further to the readers of this journal. 

This piece of writing every morning gives me a focus through the day as I try to sort out in my head what I want to share in the journal the next day. I am not able to shut out reality, but it helps me to be less swayed by what I read and see on TV. It hasn’t worked very well in the last 24 hours. I guess it is only going to get worse in the coming days. So let me dredge up my reserves and go ahead.

Yesterday I decided that I just have to get fuel for my car. So I went out in the afternoon during siesta hour at 2.30 pm. It takes just 10 minutes to get to Mapusa, but the empty roads made it seem much much longer. I reached the petrol bunk and they had fuel! Yipee! But they wouldn’t give it to me because I wasn’t wearing a mask. I pulled out a cloth from my car and put it around my face, but still no go. I don’t blame them - everyone is scared. So I went in search of a medical store. At this time of the afternoon, naturally, everything is closed. Finally I found one that was open. It had a large sign asking people not to enter without a mask on their face. And a smaller sign stating that they had run out of masks and sanitisers. Also only 3 people were allowed in at a time. Others waited in line outside. When the door opened to let someone out, I shouted to the salesgirl asking if she had even one spare mask. She shook her head. Then I asked her where I could get one. She suggested that I try a shop around the corner. Of course, that was also closed. 

I walked back to my car and called friends who were also looking for fuel. Maybe they could come and bring an extra mask with them. What was I thinking? This was siesta time!

Then I drove up to another petrol bunk and pleaded with the guy there. He took pity on me and filled up the tank. Yes, what both of us did was wrong. His boss came out and shouted at him, but by then it was done. I left Mapusa with my heart thudding. 

Why do I need fuel, after all I am not going anywhere? Just in case. Also I want to be able to help others this coming week. I know there are going to be many people who will need door delivery of supplies. I want to be mobile then. 

This morning my neighbour told me about a migrant worker who had come to her house late last night for groceries. He told her that they are a group of them whose contractor has not paid them money and has stopped answering his phone. My neighbour, Mary, has run out of stocks. So she put together what she could from her personal store and gave him. He had told her that he planned to walk back to where ever his hometown is. She asked me this morning how this was going to work. She had heard that the army was out in Goa - in her fear, she referred to them as the RSS Army. I told her that it was the CRPF and she shouldn’t worry as she anyway stayed at home. Her concern is for those who don’t have, those who cannot go out and forage and gather like some of us. I echo her feelings. 

We are seeing a complete breakdown of the Indian state - all arms of it - legislature, executive and judiciary. So let us call out the army. Like that will help!

28 March 2020

Yesterday evening, as I came back from my walk, I saw the crescent moon with Venus nearby. What a sight! 

I am guessing that the skies in the cities are clearing up and all of you will be able to enjoy the night sky. For those who wake up early in the morning, Jupiter, Saturn and Mars are near each other, in the eastern sky, dazzling viewers. That must be fantastic to see. There is speculation that a similar coming together caused the Star of Bethlehem to be seen in 6 BCE. There is also news of a comet that could put up a big show before mid-April. So here is a new hobby for some of you.

Just have to share this haibun from Salil Chaturvedi:

No Getting Away

I sneak out of home at 5.30 in the morning. It’s still dark. It’s the third day of the lockdown. I worry that some neighbour, hearing my car, might report me to the authorities. I drive up the hill near our house. The air is perfumed with wild jasmine. I startle a couple of nightjars that are squatting on the road. My parents are a thousand miles away in self-quarantine. My wife has panic attacks when she sees the last three potatoes in the house. I collect some wild ukshi blossoms for her from the hill. I must get back before the neighbour’s wake up, but I linger to watch the sunrise.

lockdown dawn -

the sun also comes

with a corona

The haiku at the end actually took my breath away! A lot of Salil’s haiku does that to me - for a few seconds I forget to breathe.

However, in these times it is important to breathe - as my Insight Timer meditation of the day pointed out - take 5 deep breaths instead of the usual 3 - breathe in deep through the nose and let it all out through the mouth. That is of course, if you are in a safe place.

As stories of migrants come in from around India, there is little I can do but share those stories, hoping somewhere it will reach someone who can actually make a difference. Antonio Guterres, the UN Secretary General echoed the view that there is a breakdown in global governance. We absolutely have to work together globally. It was a man in despair on BBC hard talk last night. 

Meanwhile the debates rage about whether the lockdown will help or not. I can only add my views - I don’t think it will wipe out the virus. However, it will give us a little more time to prepare for the full blast of it. I don’t think it is my pessimism speaking when I say we are in this for the next 3 to 4 months. 17 more days of lockdown, but another couple of months of being very very careful and wringing our hands in anguish and helplessness.

A small WhatsApp group has formed in Aldona and I have joined that from Pomburpha - we will deliver essential supplies and medicines to those in need and raise cash if needed, for those who run short. For now, at least I feel I am doing something.

Yesterday I realised that I have not watched anything on Netflix or Amazon Prime or Youtube for the last week. I spend about an hour watching news each day. I spend way too much time on Facebook - I need to cut that down. I will let WhatsApp be my only vice for a bit now. 

The best thing that has happened to me this week (in addition to the fact that I am very privileged and have everything) is that finally my life seems to be falling into some kind of a routine. When in school I had a strict routine for myself from 6 am to 9.30 pm. After that I have never been able to get back to it. Now without planning or meaning to, I find myself in a nice easy routine each day. I am even bathing everyday though I don’t have to. An important part of that is this morning writing. 

From today I am going to start sharing what I have written 5 days ago so that we can look back and laugh at how foolish we were. When I shared this with a friend, she responded wishing we were already 5 days ahead. We will get there - much altered, but we will get there. 

27 March 2020

I don’t know what I am doing, but I am very busy these days. I hope that at the end of 3 weeks I have something to show for all this busyness!

I am very relieved that grocery stores are going to open in Goa. While in other states and cities, they were open right through, ours were closed from 22^nd to 26^th March - 5 days - with no warning. Things were getting a bit desperate. 

I went to check on my cleaning lady, T. She had rice, onions and potatoes but no dhal or salt and importantly no money to buy anything even if the shops opened!  They had had no warning about this 3-week shut down and so she had not stocked up. Both she and her husband get paid on a monthly basis. With the curfew being imposed on 22^nd, they hadn’t been paid yet and had run out of cash.

Probably like in some other places, if you are a poor migrant family in Goa, you are at the receiving end of everyone’s anger. It doesn’t matter that these families are actually holding up the economy. It doesn’t matter that there are many rich migrants. It doesn’t matter that Goans are migrants elsewhere. It doesn’t matter that the person who curses the loudest probably has a family member staying somewhere abroad and sending back money.

T lives in cramped quarters with 8 other migrant families. She told me that they are terrified of stepping out since the cops have been using their lathis liberally on them, the outsiders. While food is not available, alcohol is being surreptitiously supplied. She laughed as she said this and her four-year old daughter piped in saying she wouldn’t allow her father to drink. I wish her luck!

I know there are many other such migrant families in the villages around - I wish I could find a way to help them through this. When I drove out to T, 3 km away, I could see some of them walking along the edge of the road, probably looking for provisions. A neighbour, who runs a grocery store, told me that many of them are coming to ask her if she has anything. Her stocks have run out. In her wisdom, she sold limited quantities to everyone, not allowing them to hoard. 

As I heard the PM’s speech, I called another neighbour who runs a shop if he had tetrapaks of milks. He did. I put the PM’s speech on pause and went out to pick up what I could. He had 7 half litre packs. It suddenly struck me that I was hoarding them! So I took 4 and told him to keep 3 for anyone with children. (No, I am not a saint.) He assured me that he had a whole case left with 12 packs, only for families with children. Lovely, no?

Yesterday evening I went for a walk on the inside roads. I know I am not supposed to go out - but I really need some exercise. I saw some families who were also sitting out, kids playing badminton on the empty road. It has become hot and humid - so not at all pleasant to go for a walk even at 7 pm. However, I need to keep it up if I am not to grow stiff and old in the remaining 18 days. 

On Wednesday I finally found the frog that lives in my bedroom. It was asleep and so easy to nudge into a bucket. I took it to the end of the street and left it out. Usually I just throw it out in the garden. Then it comes back in a couple of days. Apparently tree frogs are territorial. Somehow it hides the whole day and jumps about the whole night when I am too tired to chase it. We have been playing this game since the monsoons ended last October. Now I am tired. I need to sleep well at night. 

I thought briefly about kissing him and letting the prince inside emerge. But no. I don’t think I can be cooped up with someone for so many days - whether handsome or not, whether prince or not. 

26th March 2020

Yesterday I wasn’t able to write. After waking up late, I simply forgot about the writing. I did remember much later in the day, but didn’t get around to it. The 24^th was quite stressful. There was to be this big announcement from the PM in the evening and I wasn’t sure what it would be. The markets rose a bit during the day adding to the apprehension. I heard that one could get groceries and petrol in the morning between 6 and 11 am. I had already missed the window and decided to go on Wednesday. Thanks to the 21-day curfew, now I don’t know when I will be able to go.

After the announcement on 24^th night, I slept late and then slept really well. Somehow it ended a lot of speculation in my head. And I woke up feeling quite tired. I decided to take the day off - which means doing work, only NOT on the computer. So I cleaned out stuff from the fridge - was very embarrassed at how much had gotten spoilt, washed and washed dishes, cooked something, napped, lay down, meditated. The day went by really fast. Somehow when I am hanging around doing so little, I feel very hungry. 

The big find of the day was a small tetrapak of tomato puree in my larder, since I am running out of tomatoes, and some frozen peas and veggies in my freezer. 

Overall I feel a twitchiness that I cannot quite comprehend or control. I have an app on my phone called “Insight Timer” that has put out a new series of meditations and I am trying them one by one. I am reminding myself to take deep breaths at random intervals. 

(And I remember this joke from Richard Gordon’s Doctor series every time - Doctor checking teenager’s chest with stethoscope, “Big breaths” said with a smile. Teenage girl responds proudly, “Yeth and I am only thitheen”)

I allow myself an hour of TV each day - BBC, Puthiya Thalaimurai, NDTV, India Today TV. I should add Al Jazeera to the list - right now I have no idea at all about what is happening in Africa, West Asia and South America.

I rage about what this is doing to the powerless. Guterres, the UN chief, points out that if the rich do not help the poor in these times, the virus could mutate and come back in a worse form. Everything is global and this temporary locking down of artificial borders is not going to help in the long-term. I hope those who need to heed this advice do so. As of now, what is clearly visible is that people have lost trust in their leaders - which is why there is so much chaos. If I can’t believe what my government tells me, then I am more inclined to try and look after myself rather than wait patiently for help to reach me. As a newspaper article put it, this is a complete failure of governance in so many countries.

The images of migrants walking home with their families is chilling. Just how unfair is this world? And my helplessness in this situation makes me want to switch off from the world around me. However, that is no solution. Clearly, I have to think harder to find out how to help. 

Maybe because of my father, but I have a lot of respect for the bureaucracy. They are definitely amongst the most intelligent people in India (okay, one kind of intelligence). I am surprised that none of them analysed the situation in early February and starting working on what needs to be done. Something as simple as stamping people with indelible ink would have been in place by end February if our governance system was working well, I would think! India had so much time to get its act together - if only we had true leaders instead of mere vote gatherers. 

Even in these troubled times, I can see various state governments, across the political spectrum, doing so much better than the central government. The centre seems to be hesitating just at the thought of the enormity of the task. Let go - allow those who are better placed to make some decisions, to do so. That is the strength of such a diverse country. Capitalise on our strengths, build on our capacities - lessons from every disaster situation I have worked in. Instead we seem bent on doing the opposite - allowing our weaknesses, our vulnerabilities to engulf us and paralyse us. 

Since the NDMA has declared this a disaster, treat it as such. Our biggest strength is that we have all our systems working. Unlike after an earthquake or a flood, we still have water, electricity, communication and roads. What is important is that we don’t give people an excuse to leave their homes or areas. Use online systems, mobile phones, radio and doordarshan to reach out to the majority of the people. Then we can plan on reaching those who are excluded from this vast network. Instead we are receiving a plethora of fake news and driven into further frenzy. 

If only we had a true leader to take charge of the situation!